Thursday's Joke of the Day

Sure, some people may snicker behind your back when you change your name to Mr. Meek, but they'll change their tune when they see you drive by in the Ferrari you financed using the earth as collateral.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect.

Why in America do we have a general in charge of the post office, and a secretary in charge of defense?

Phonetic: An example of a word that isn't spelled the way it sounds.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

What‘s a light-year?
One-third less calories than a regular year.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I didn't win but I came varicose.

"Hey, Bill did you hear about the artists who held a competition?"
"No? How did it turn out?" "It was a draw."

The harm caused by sibling rivalry is relative.

Do you think all the other flowers make fun of Pansies?

What happens if you open your mouth during a Tornado?
You get a tongue-twister.

What did the big hand on the clock ask the little hand?
Got a minute?

What did Columbus see on his right hand when he discovered America?
Five Fingers

What happened to the speeder when he got hot under the collar?
They put him in the cooler

I was going to tell a joke about boxing, but I have forgotten the punchline.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there...

There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.

One half the world doesn't understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.

The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 - Women, 2 - Fractions

The deaf cowboy rode with his dog and herd.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

A chat has nine lives.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

The pastry chef failed in his acting debut because it was a hard role.

Earning money would be fun if it wasn't so taxing.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

We know the abacus is useful, because we can count on it.

When it comes to helping you out I will stop at nothing.

What is the difference between a sprinting feline and a clever rodent?
One is a running cat, the other a cunning rat.

What were the minor defects on root vegetables in the 50s called?
Beet nicks

Adam and Eve never had a date. But they did have an apple.

I could have been a big wheel, but I never spoke up

The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished.

They had trouble finding someone to clean their quarters because it didn't make cents.

You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

What do you get when you cross a pigeon with an army general?
A military coo.

Where do cars get the most flat tires?
Where there is a fork in the road.

What does the bicycle dealer do with his bikes?
He peddles them

Someone who makes bicycle wheels is a spokes person

Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult?
Because it's a fowl remark.

What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a goat?
A stuck-up kid that's hard to handle.